Supporting bereaved children
When you grieve the loss of someone close to you, you are likely to feel a range of intense emotions, including shock, sadness, anger, guilt and loneliness. Coping with these emotions is difficult enough by itself. But when you are a parent or guardian of children who are grieving too, it can be hard to know how to support them, particularly at a time when you are finding it a great strain to look after yourself.
It is important that you make time for yourself, to think about what's happened and to recharge your energy or you will not have the strength to support children too. Enlist friends and relatives to support you and the children.
Myths about children’s grief
There are many myths that surround the way children grieve. For example:
- Young children do not grieve. Children grieve at any age, but their grief manifests in different ways according to their age, developmental stage and life experience. Children often grieve intensely for a period and will then just switch off. Their break from grieving usually takes the form of play, which adults often mistake as a sign that the child is not grieving.
- Children should, or should not, go to funerals. Whether a child goes to a funeral should be their choice – a choice made based on information and support. Each child will handle their loss differently and for while for some children it may be beneficial to attend the funeral, others will not want to.
- Children recover quickly from a loss. Both adults and children will learn to live with loss and adapt to a new reality without their loved on, but no one ever fully gets over a significant loss. For children in particular, the loss may be revisited at different stages of development as they grow up, and the grief may arise again strongly.
- Children should always be encouraged to talk about their grief. It is important to encourage and support children to talk about their loss if they want to. However, other approaches like art, play, writing, music and dance may also allow children to express their emotions in a less confronting way.
- Children will be permanently scarred by the death of a loved one. Children are resilient, and with continuing support can deal with their grief appropriately. Sometimes a significant loss can affect a child’s development, and if you are concerned about this, talk to a health professional who may be able to recommend counselling.
- It’s important to be strong for the children and not show emotion. It’s fine to cry in front of the children, especially if you explain to them why you are angry or sad. Saying something like "I’m crying because Dad died and I miss him" shows your child that it’s all right to talk about your feelings and they are not alone.
Patterns of grief in children
The primary influences on a child’s adaptation to a significant loss will be how secure they are with the person who is left to look after them, and what else in their life changes (for example, whether they have to move house or start a new school).
Children are more likely to act out their grief than talk about it, often because they don’t have the vocabulary to express themselves. This means that children might become more irritable or aggressive. By talking about your own feelings, you can give them a language to explain how they feel. Drawing, painting and music can also help children communicate their feelings without needing to find the words.
Pre-school children
Children under five are closely connected to the surviving parent, and when that person is upset they will feel a very strong need to make them feel OK. It might be helpful to ask relatives, friends or the child’s pre-school to help the child, to take some of the pressure off you.
Very young children don’t understand the permanence of death, and although they have been told that a parent is dead they may still say something like "I know Mummy’s dead but she’ll still come back for my birthday, won’t she?"
Pre-school children might also say things like "I know Mummy’s dead so I want to die too so I can be with her." They are not expressing a real wish to die, but simply to be with the other parent.
The strategies used by people to remember things only begin to develop in the brain around age seven, which means that a five-year-old whose parent has died and is given no memory prompts will have virtually forgotten the person who has died by the time they are six. For this reason, it is important to help your child to gather things together that will help them remember, and to put them in a memory box that they can keep in their bedroom.
Anything meaningful to the child can be put in the box – whether it is photographs, letters, cards, ornaments or clothing from the parent who has died.
Primary school children
Children between five and twelve generally understand about the permanence of death and will know the person is not coming back.
However, this age group is particularly sensitive to change, so it is important to maintain their home and school routine as much as possible.
Children of this age are also very susceptible to playground teasing, so it may be helpful to talk to your child’s teachers before he or she returns to school. The teacher might be able to talk to the child’s classmates and explain what has happened so the friends will be more supportive.
Teenagers
Teenagers will experience grief in a similar way to adults, but may not have the emotional maturity to cope with it. They will be more aware of how others feel, and are also more likely to bottle up their feelings. They may become withdrawn and their schoolwork or social networks may suffer. Give them permission to be children – to express how they feel without thinking it’s childish. Don’t let them take on an adult role to care for you, as it may be too much for them to handle.
Helpful resources
www.childbereavement.org.uk/resources/articles.php
Includes a range of articles to help people experiencing bereavement and grief and those close to them.
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/wsd_children.htm
A section devoted to helping children come to terms with the loss of a loved one.
RD4U is a website designed for young people by young people to support them after the death of someone close.
Books
Helping Children Cope with Grief, by Rosemary Wells (Sheldon Press, 1988)
Outlines what a caring adult can do to ease the pain and loss felt by a child who has lost someone close to them.
When Someone Very Special Dies, by Marge Heegaard (Fairview Press, 1991)
Allows the child to explore general concepts of life and death and also to draw upon their own experiences of the death of someone they knew.
Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children, by Doris Stickney (Continuum International, 2002)
Designed to provide adults with the opportunity to talk about death as being part of the life cycle, which can be a reassuring way of explaining death to children.
Children and Grief: When a parent dies, by J William Worden (Guildford Press, 2002)
Features interviews and assessments of school-age children coping with bereavement. Explores the mourning process, looks at children's experience of grief and the factors that can put bereaved children at risk.
