Men and grieving

Do men grieve differently from women?

Generalisations are often made about how men express their grief. For example, it is often said that men are less likely to express their grief openly, or that men are more likely to use diversion techniques, such as overworking or engaging in risk-taking behaviours like unsafe sex or excessive alcohol consumption.

This reluctance to share grief may be a product of the protective role often assumed by men in society. While in this protective role, men may feel they are required to show strength and leadership by not letting others know of their pain. By failing to show strength, or expressing emotion, some men may feel a sense of failure.

Women tend to seek and accept more emotional support during the grieving process, and will often look for and talk to others in a similar situation. Men, on the other hand, usually work independently through their grief, and are less likely to access support services.

However, it's not helpful to stereotype men's grief as separate or different from women’s. It can be simplistic to think that all men grieve in the same way, and all women grieve in a different way. Some women will have trouble expressing emotions and will prefer to grieve independently; while many men can be open emotionally and do not have difficulty expressing sadness, hurt or loss.

Anger and complicated grief

One of the more commonly emotions expressed by men in response to grief is anger. Men may use anger in place of sadness, hurt or loneliness. While this is a common coping response, it can be destructive – not only for the man himself, but also for others who are trying to provide help and support.

Men are often more prone to complicated grief reactions. Complicated grief is when painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that a person can have trouble accepting the death, leading to depression and even thoughts of suicide.

What can be helpful for men in the grieving process?

Men do feel their pain and sadness deeply, regardless of how they express their grief. Some of the things that men find helpful around grief include:

• Ask a man to talk about their reactions instead of asking how they feel
• Find ways for a man to be in the protective care of others by giving them something to do or to problem-solve
• Be prepared for humour as a way of emotional release
• Allow a man to be active - they may feel awkward about being around expressed feelings, or may be overwhelmed by not being able to do something constructive