Guilt

"I feel terrible, but sometimes I resent having to take care of her. I just want it to be over, and to have my old life back. But then I feel bad - I shouldn't wish her dead."

Being a carer can be emotionally and physically exhausting. At times it may feel overwhelming, and you might wonder how you are going to cope.

This is a very natural response. Having strong feelings like resentment, anger or frustration is normal and expected when you are a carer.

Try not to feel guilty if it feels like hard work at times. This doesn't mean that you don't love or care for the person with cancer. It just means that you are human - like everyone, when things are tough, you will have your good and bad days.

"When I spend time with the kids I feel guilty because I'm not with mum. And when I'm with mum I feel guilty about the kids. I can't win."

Carers often feel guilty because they think they are not doing a good job caring for their loved one. But juggling responsibilities can be difficult - you are trying your best, and there is no such thing as the "perfect carer".

As well as being a carer, you may have work or family responsibilities, friends, community activities and many other demands on your time. You might feel that you don't have the time and energy to look after everyone and everything in your life.

Remember that you are only human. Try not to feel guilty about being unable to accomplish everything - your time is limited and you are doing what you can. Taking time out from caring to do the things you need to will help you be a better carer.

Ask for help when you need it - perhaps a friend or family member can stay with the person with cancer so you can go to your child's school or spend time with your husband.

It is also important not to take on tasks that will be too challenging and will only add to your stress. Setting clear boundaries in your caring relationship will help to manage your guilt and will allow everyone to develop realistic expectations of what you can do.

"I'm stressed out and overwhelmed by everything. I just need a break. But I should stop complaining - I'm not the one who has cancer."

Some carers find it difficult to talk about how they feel, because they think they are being disloyal, or that their feelings are less important than those of the person they are caring for. After all, they're not the one who has cancer.

Accept that you have needs and that they are important. If you don't attend to them you are more likely to become stressed or ill, and unable to continue with your caring role. If you need a break - take it. The time you take out from attending to a person with cancer strengthens you for the time you must devote to them.

If you are hesitant to take time out because it means leaving the person with cancer alone, ask a friend or neighbour you trust to stay with them while you are away. Leave a contact number so you can be reached if necessary.

Don't feel guilty about caring for yourself - you are important and deserve to be looked after as well.

"It took a while before I could leave him to go for a walk with a friend. I guess I felt guilty because I knew he would have loved to have done the same thing, but he is just not strong enough any more."

Some carers have reported feeling guilty about feeling well and healthy while the person they're caring for is sick. You might feel reluctant to enjoy activities that you used to enjoy, because your loved one can't take part.

Taking time to do things you enjoy is also a way of caring for the person with cancer. Many people who are unwell like to see those around them continue to enjoy themselves. It actually makes them happy. They want you to take care of yourself.

There may be something you and the person with cancer have been talking about doing for a long time: like hot air ballooning or going interstate on a mystery flight. If it can be done, do it. Doing something you have never done before can be exhilarating and exciting.

"He makes me feel guilty - like I'm not doing enough."

Often carers speak of the person being cared for imposing guilt on them. This could be interpreted as the person trying to get his or her own way or being manipulative. This can happen for many reasons. It can be used to hide their unhappiness, fear, sadness, hurt, pain, frustration or anger.

Often when someone behaves in this way, they are attempting to pass these hidden feelings on to others as a way of avoiding them. If you are not aware of this, you can end up feeling guilty. Remember that you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

It is also important to try to separate past relationship issues with the person you care for from what is happening today. Some carers say they feel as if they are relating to a different person since the cancer diagnosis and treatment - they also grow closer as a result. It helps not to dwell too much on the past.

Healthy and unhealthy guilt

Feeling some guilt can be healthy. It may keep us from doing something that can be inconsiderate or unreasonable, or may be a motivator to act or to right a wrong.

But sometimes guilt can be destructive, leaving you feeling powerless or 'stuck'. Unhealthy guilt is when you expect perfection, or expect to accomplish the impossible, and you feel bad when you don't live up to your own expectations or rules.

Tips on overcoming unhealthy guilt

• Explore the reasons for your guilt.
• What have you done or failed to do?
• Are you making unreasonable demands on yourself?
• Do you expect yourself to be the same all the time in your caring role?
• Do you give yourself permission to be you?
• Are you expecting yourself to be a "perfect carer"?
• Recognise the language you are using when you feel guilty (your "self-talk"). Challenge self-criticisms like "I should have done better" or "I ought to have done that" - they just make you feel guiltier.
• Instead of saying "I shouldn't resent my mother. I'm so ungrateful. She's sick, and I should be a better daughter and help her more" - try saying "I love my mother, and I'm doing the best I can. I'd like to be able to give her more time, but I have a family to take care of as well. It's important that I look after myself, or I won't be able to help her at all."
• Be honest with yourself and your expectations. Review your situation. Do you need help or a break? Is respite an option for you?
• Everybody makes mistakes. When you feel that you haven't done everything that you would like to, learn from the experience and look at what you have achieved.
• Share your feelings and frustrations with someone you trust. look after myself, or I won't be able to help her at all."
• Talking about what is happening helps reduce stress.
• Ask for and accept help from friends and family. You could prepare a roster of things they can do. For example, cooking a meal, doing the laundry or the ironing, or taking the dogs for a walk.

Resources

Cancer Council Victoria, Cancer carers and initial reactions