Coping with reminders: anniversaries and holidays

"I found it increasingly difficult to accept that he had died. As the anniversary got closer I used to think that I was going crazy. I imagined seeing him in the street or I would be reminded of him from walking past a complete stranger."

Losing someone to cancer can be devastating. You may go through many stages in the grieving process, like shock, denial, anger and sadness, and then after a time, you may feel that you are beginning to cope with everyday life again. But what happens when, from out of nowhere and with no warning signs, grief returns?

'Anniversary reactions'

The emotions that are rekindled by reminders are sometimes called anniversary reactions. They may be triggered by major events or the anniversaries of certain milestones, such as:

• Weddings
• Family gatherings or celebrations
• Childhood events, like the first day of school or graduation
• Special days, like when you met, when you became engaged, when you last saw your loved one alive, when you took a big trip together

Anniversary reactions might also be triggered by much smaller things – driving past a favourite restaurant, watching a movie or listening to a song. You might think you are seeing things when someone walking towards you reminds you of your loved one. Even a smell can trigger a memory.

Years after the loss, you may continue to feel sadness and pain when you are confronted with such reminders. All of this is a normal part of the grieving process.

Grieving takes time

When grief returns, you may feel that you have taken a step backwards. But grieving is a personal experience, with meaning that evolves over time. It doesn't have a fixed time limit, despite what some people may say to you about 'moving on with your life'. It is important to grieve at your own pace.

Time does help in the healing process, but you also need to be prepared for those unexpected times, an anniversary that is drawing closer or when you suddenly get triggered by a sense of familiarity to the person you have lost.

Tips on dealing with anniversary grief

You may be dreading an upcoming event or anniversary, feeling overwhelmed, stressed or wanting to withdraw. The anticipation may become more fearful than the event itself. Over time, though, the intensity of the memories and feelings will lessen.

It is important to recognise that anniversary grief will occur, and to prepare for it. Expect this to happen at special events such as anniversaries, special occasions and at times when you would consult with your loved one.

Some other tips for dealing with anniversary grief (from the Mayo Clinic) include:

• Reminiscing about your relationship with the person who has died. Try to focus more on the good things about the relationship and the time you had together, rather than the loss.
• Planning a distraction, such as a weekend away or visit to friends or relatives.
• Starting a new tradition in your loved one's memory. For example, make a donation to a charitable organisation in the person's name on birthdays or holidays.
• If you find yourself becoming more anxious, sad or distressed by news coverage, limiting your exposure to news reports about tragic events.
• Drawing family members and friends close to you, rather than avoiding them. Find someone who will encourage you to talk about your loss.
• Staying connected to your usual support systems, such as spiritual leaders and social groups.
• Allowing yourself to feel sadness and a sense of loss. Conversely, allow yourself to also experience joy and happiness as you celebrate special times. You might find yourself both laughing and crying.

"You don't heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes; you heal because of what you do with the time". (Staudacher, 1994)