Coping with loss

Grief is an emotional reaction to loss. When a loved one dies, you grieve the loss of someone important to you.

You are likely to feel a range of emotions, from anger to sadness, and at times you may feel completely numb. You might feel like you’re in a daze, and it can be hard to clear your head to think about anything else.

However you react, feel and behave is OK. Some people will feel like crying all the time, some will feel relief; some will go on holiday while others will visit the funeral home every day. Give yourself time and allow yourself to grieve in your own way.

The phases of grief

The Swiss-born psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, developed a five-stage process for dealing with grief. The stages are:

• Denial – "This can’t be happening!"
• Anger – "It’s not fair! How can this happen? NO!"
• Bargaining – "If I just give up [something important to me]... Can I have my husband back?"
• Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
• Acceptance – "It’s going to be OK – I’ll get through it."

Two additional stages – shock (usually in the immediate aftermath of a loss) and guilt – have been added by some people.

Not all people will experience all of these stages, and there is no neat progression from one to the next. For many people the stages will loop over and over again, or may hit at the same time, or may be experienced out of order.

Acceptance doesn’t mean you will feel happy again. Most people who have had someone close to them die say that they never "get over it" – they just find a way to cope and to carry on with life. Gradually they begin to feel that life is worth living again, and that there are things to look forward to.

How long will it last?

The grieving process is very individual and will last different lengths of time for different people. It may be months, or even years – but it won’t always be as intense as it feels right after the loss. Grief may resurface very powerfully on certain anniversaries (such as birthdays, special holidays, or the day you first met). There is more information about this in the section on Coping with reminders: anniversaries and holidays.

Tips for coping with loss

After the loss of a loved one, it’s common to feel very lonely and frightened. You miss being able to talk to the person and to share your life with them.

It can help to share your loss with family and friends. Try to talk to them about how you are feeling. Take opportunities to talk about your loved one. Having photos of them around the house, and even talking to them, can be comforting.

Some people find it helps to go to a support group and talk to others who have had people close to them die. Contact the Cancer Council Helpline on 13 11 20 if you would like to find out more about support groups in your area.

You may find yourself feeling guilty for not doing certain things with your loved one before they died, or for all the times you felt you did or said the wrong thing to them. Don’t feel bad about these things. Everyone has times where they upset someone and it is a natural part of life.

You might also feel guilty that you are alive when the person you were caring for isn’t, guilty for feeling relief, or guilty about looking to the future.

Let yourself cry whenever you need to – crying is an important part of grief and will provide an important emotional release.

Grief can manifest itself in physical ways, too – for example, loss of appetite, insomnia, or weight loss. It’s important to remember to take care of yourself physically – eat well, get plenty of rest and do some exercise.

The most important thing is to give yourself time to grieve and to heal. You can’t force yourself to feel better, so don’t try to fight your feelings. Acknowledge that you are grieving and that it is a difficult process, and allow yourself to feel sad for your loss.